A Recipe for Leaving an Abusive Relationship Read online

to navigate what lies ahead.

  You have every right to be a crying emotional mess, only there's no time. If you want to keep your vow to nurture the children you gave birth to and deliver them from harm asap, then you need a cool head.

  To achieve a cool head when you are overwhelmed with sickening emotions, ask yourself 'If I was a robot, what would I do?'

  My logic-evoking question was 'What would Mr. Spock do?'

  Thinking of Mr. Spock, half man, half Vulucan, balancing logic with illogic, calmed me down, cheered me up and then made me think like I imagined Spock would, without the clutter of so much useless emotion.

  Whenever Spock raised one brow and told me I was 'Highly Illogical,' I straightened up and took notes.

  What You Need Before You Leave

  You need money to leave and if you don't have any of your own, you are going to have to find a way to get it in order to move to an apartment. Usually you need a security deposit, first and last month's rent to get in, plus security deposits for utilities.

  You need a secret savings account with no evidence of it lying around the house, and a job where you are paid in cash or tips. Convince him to let you wait tables, part-time, to help out. Choose a busy, family restaurant, or a fine dining restaurant if you have the skills for maximum tips. He is already suspicious, possessive and jealous. He is used to owning you, having isolated you from your friends and family, chipping and bashing away your self-esteem. He won't let you go easily. For now, follow his demands to call him an absurd number of times. Go home right after work, making a deposit in your secret bank account on your way.

  If the amount you make is variable, then you can skim money off the top and deposit it on your way home. Leave no evidence of your secret bank account or you could be in grave danger.

  If he won't let you work outside the home, find secret ways of income: bake an extra pie to sell to the neighbor or take your kids with you to babysit so he won't know. Whatever it is, find a source of untraceable income and save until you have enough to get an apartment for you and your children.

  Join a Church, even if you are not religious, or an Atheists Group or whatever. It will get you around people again. It will provide a wholesome environment for the children for the time being, and help you get out of the house with an activity that is most likely to be acceptable to your abuser. If you bring up the subject of attending church at his mother's house while he and his mother are both present, it will look bad for him to prevent you and the children going to church.

  You are going to call upon your Church to help you in a big way, so this relationship is worth cultivating.

  The Church people are going to help you and the children on moving day. Swarms of sweet, Church-people, will show up on moving day and move you and your children to your new apartment. His eyes are not likely to go black with hatred amidst your crowd of kind do-gooders.

  Take only what you need. If there is only one tv, leave it. You are trying to do nothing to set him off. You are trying to give him no reason at all to hunt you and your children down.

  Letting Go of Material Possessions and Why

  Ordinarily a mother with children is awarded custody and gets the house. If you are in a violent household, forcing a man to leave his home will make you a target and you will never live in that house without fear, nor will your children.

  Let go. Walk away. You can get another house. If you fight him, he will get angrier. Defuse this by not fighting for material possessions.

  Get legal custody for your children with a separation agreement. Give him the house. Then move yourself and the kids to an apartment complex with plenty of people around, no blind spots, on the 2nd floor or higher. Include his parents in visitation, ideally with all visits with daddy under the watchful eye of Grandma. It doesn't matter if they hate you as long as they love your children, their grandchildren and will protect them. Daddy is not so likely to act up with his parents there and he can assume whatever role Grandma and Grandpa agree too. This also allows you to talk and make arrangements with Grandma rather than speak to her son directly.

  Get child support through the court system. It takes personalities out of it, it is required if you are forced to go on food stamps, and they will enforce child support so that you are not the entire target of his anger.

  How To Manage At the Beginning

  If you do not have a decent job, you need to go to school. Your local community college has two year degrees that can land you a job making good money as soon as you graduate. You want a degree that leads to a job in demand: dental hygienist, nurse, X-ray tech, ultra-sound tech, welder, computer tech, etc. Community colleges have on-line and paper catalogs to peruse. They are also very friendly and willing to talk to you about your options.

  Not only is your new career going to sustain you and your children in the future, going to school is going to

  serve many other functions, all beneficial.

  It will give you a new focus.

  It will give you your self-worth back.

  His voice telling you how worthless and stupid you are will be replaced by many educated voices telling you otherwise.

  While you will have a school loan in the end, as a low-income single mother, you will qualify for Pell grants and scholarships. You will have help with childcare and have extra money to live on as you navigate these first two tricky years of escape. You will have a plan in place for the future and have a safety net for now if you go back to school.

  To Review:

  Make an escape plan with your children and keep it light-hearted and fun

  Join a Church (With his mother's support) Even consider going to her church

  Find a way to make cash, preferably waitressing, to deposit in your secret bank account

  Get a separation agreement giving you custody. Trade him the house or anything and everything to get full custody of your children

  Try to make his visitation likely to occur at his mother's house. Try to keep a good relationship with her

  Get an apartment for you and your children, one with lots of people, no hidden spots, on the 2nd floor or higher

  Arrange for the Church people to descend on moving day and move quickly

  Enroll in school choosing a degree program that leads to a well paying job that is in demand.

  So...this is one plan of escape.

  You need your cool head to plan your escape.

  If violence is escalating in your home, you need to act, you need to plan it carefully and go.

  I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you'll have to cry later.

  For now, put on your Big Girl Panties, suck it up, and save your children and their mother, whom they need and love.

  Through all this be kind to yourself. Your children's mother needs your compassion as you lead your family to safety and laughter.

  Do not date or think of dating. You are not out of danger.

  1) He will know if there is a hint of another man and it will make him angry.

  2) You have enough to do trying to give your children happy childhoods, remaining vigilant, going to school, changing your life

  3) Until the causes of your role of enabler are known to you and addressed in a life changing way, the abusers will find you. They come in all shapes and sizes but they can all find us. An abusive stepfather is worse than an abusive father and you will have accomplished nothing.

  Do not bring men to your house and never let them meet your children.

  1) If you break the rules and date anyway because you are lonely and don't feel like you can do it alone, wait until your relationship lasts 3 years or more before he gets to meet your children.

  2) Ideally, you will buy a vibrator, develop your imagination, and only date when your children are safe and happy at their Grandmas. Find a bed buddy rather than a boyfriend.

  3) You can't trust your judgement with men, so don't bring them to your home and expose your children to them.
r />   4) You will make your ex angry and jealous. Let him move on and date. You must wait. These first few years remain volatile and you cannot risk setting him off.

  5) If you break the rules and find out you are dating an abuser: Slam the door as fast as possible and thank your lucky stars you caught it so fast.

  Another Word of Caution

  It melts a mothers heart when a cook at her restaurant invites her and her children out to eat pizza. He gives the children money and more money for computer game tokens. He loves children and laughs at their antics instead of getting mad. His hands are warm and big and safe and he compliments her and listens when she talks. He invites her to bring her children to swim and she does because he is so nice. He playfully holds the children down under the water just a little too long and laughs.

  She doesn't think it one bit funny and tells him so. She never wants to see him again and says so. She is ready to take her children and go home when he throws her into the pool with all her waitress clothes on, due at work in less than an hour. She never does see him again. He disappears from her restaurant as suddenly as he appeared.

  Detectives come to her door several days later trying to track down her date, the cook from nowhere. He killed his wife in New York last year.

  Reiteration

  Your judgement is askew. You have terrible taste in men.

  Knowing this, you are going to have to forego romance for the time being.

  Immerse yourself in your children, your education, and yourself before you even think about dating. Do not attempt to add a stepfather into